Forever??

I am mired with sorrow and regret. I am stuck in some other world of hell. I am out of prison physically but still living in prison. I dont know how to live this life that I have now. This life is foreign to me. A life without hopes, dreams, future. I kept holding on to the dream of a future; that is how I survived prison. 
Where do you go when you have lost everything and almost everyone you know? What do you do when you no longer are employable in any field that you have known? I am lost. I am floundering in a sea of despair. While in prison, the future seems so magical, so enchanted. The reality is not. I am tainted. I am scarred. I am hopeless. I have lost so much. I do not know how to regain it. Where do I begin? 
There is no transition for felons. You walk out the door of the prison and you hit the streets and sink or swim. You cope or you go back. I could not understand how the same people would return to prison over and over. I do now. It is easier. No bills. You don't have to worry about housing, rent, food or responsibility.
I have no plan to ever go back to prison. I will continue to get out of bed each day. I have children that need me. I have a family that loves me. I am not sure why, as I am not feeling very lovable right now. 

More............

Readjustment is a little harder than I thought. Very anxious today.

Still taking 5 minute showers. A hard habit to break. Good for the environment, but really??


Quiet. It is so quiet. I prayed for quiet and now that I have it, I am unnerved by it. 


I think I just need to get out of the house and go walk around the mall or something. Do something  "normal". 

Home at Last.

Well, a temporary home at least. Officially, I am homeless. I do not have a place to call my own. A home to live with just my husband and children. I am very fortunate to be able to live with my sister for the time being. But, it is very sad and discouraging to not have a place to call my own. I have owned my own homes since I was 19 years old. If it wasnt for my sister, I would be in a horrible situation. I left the center with eleven dollars to my name.

I was officially released yesterday and am feeling really depressed and out of sorts. I have waited for this day for so very long and now am at a loss. Where do I go from here? How do I begin to recover my life? Will I ever be able to recover my life? It really is terrifying to know that I will forever be a convicted felon and that info will prejudice me for the rest of my life. I am so much more than just a felon. Unfortunately, that info will be the first and last impression many will have of me. 

So, I am floundering today. I should be ecstatic. I should be elated that I am FREE. I am. But, it is shadowed with fear and uncertainty.  What does the future hold? How do I even begin? 

I am sure that tomorrow will be a better day. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, too many people depend on me. But, I really would just like to curl up in bed and take about a weeks long nap.